“Cause I'm trying to be somebody I'm not trying to be somebody else This life is mine I'm living”
So, while Larry picked a song for Gabriel before he was even born, I used this project as an opportunity to find a song for him as a grown man. But before we get into that let’s talk about the pregnancy and birth experience because that is important to the story.
My pregnancy with Gabriel and his birth were not easy on either one of us and the difficulties started from the very beginning. I went to the ER to find out why I had been so sick. I had been sick for several weeks and thought the only reason I was late for my period was because I had been so sick for so long. They ran bloodwork and did a pregnancy test from the bloodwork. This was just a precaution and the protocol for any woman of childbearing age. But to my surprise I was pregnant and as it turns out I was about 5 to 6 weeks pregnant and I had been sick for 5 to 6 weeks, so I had been sick pretty much from the moment of conception. The first trimester stayed on that same path. I was fatigued to the point of sleeping 14 plus hours a day. I could not even stomach the smell of most foods let alone eat anything and so by the time I found an OB/GYN I had lost enough weight they told me if I didn’t put some weight on in the next few days, they were gonna hospitalize me and use IV’s to make sure I got the nutrients both the baby and I needed. It was at this point when I realized my needs were secondary to this little being inside of me. Before I knew I was pregnant, going days without eating because of the nausea didn’t mean a thing to me but now nausea or not I was gonna make sure I ate and for a while I could only stomach 2 or 3 things But I ate those 2 or 3 things and I ate them until I could eat something else and I did avoid that hospital stay.
The second trimester was actually quite enjoyable for me. I was feeling so much better, but that was short lived because in the third trimester I was even sicker than before. I was even taken off work completely for the last month or so. Then we went 2 weeks past the due date. Then the delivery itself was not pleasant. As I mentioned before, the labor was 22 hours. I would dilate a bit then stall then repeat until I was finally ready to push. I had gone into the labor thing thinking I would do it without drugs but after about 12 hours I finally decided to get that epidural and yes Larrys story is pretty accurate. I was not messing around with any macho BS I was in pain and so yes, I may have yelled at him to sit the fuck down. Also, how sad it would have been to go 20 plus hours with no epidural only to have to get one for the C-section anyway, so no regrets about deciding to get the drugs. When I did finally dilate and started pushing, I pushed for an hour and a half and he did not budge even with the doctor literally trying to drag him out. He was stuck and the only way to safely get him out was a C-section. So, we did what we had to, to make sure both of us were safe. When you look at his first pictures, he has bruises on his face and a black eye so yes, the birth was just as traumatic for him as it was me. But he was here, finally, and he was healthy and safe and he looked just like his father. Literally the second thing the doctor said after Gabriel was born was “my god, he looks just like his dad.” The first was “it’s a boy”.
Why do I tell you all this? Because it shows that Gabriel has been stubborn from the moment of conception, that he was gonna walk his own path and march to the beat of his own drum. His life was on his timeline and no one was gonna change that. I love these things about him. He has always been so sure of himself and who he is. He does not waste too much precious time worrying about what others think about him and has been that way since he was a very small child. He has a sense of what he wants his life to be like for him not what others think it should be. He is not consumed with material things and does not measure his success by the amount of money he has but by how happy he is with his life. We could all learn a thing or two from him about that, IMO.
So now to the song. I choose this song for him because he IS living his life the best way that he can.
“The shades go up Mother's staring down She don't know where he's been Or how long he's been out” “She said "Boy I'm tired of waiting up while you're out with your friends" He said "Mom I’m tired and I’m living my life the best way that I can"
So luckily for me it’s just the last line of this part of the song that applies to Gabriel. Gabriel did not give me the same kind of trouble I gave my parents as a teenager. Gabriel had his own unique set of problems that we had to deal with but staying out late partying with friends and coming home at all hours was not his thing. But he has told me on many occasions that he has to live his life his way.
“The day has come The son is moving on She don't know where he'll go Or when he's coming home” She said "Son take care, don't let your dreams get too far out of sight" He said "I love you now, don't worry about me you know I'll be fine"”
This just reflects what we as parents go through when your child is now grown and getting ready to start life on their own. We only want the best for them. We are their cheerleaders and their biggest fan. We want them to follow their dreams and their own path but we still worry, especially if that path seems like it could be extremely difficult. Letting go of the dreams we had for them when they were little is difficult but we must because it is their life to do what they please with. We are here for such a short while to guide and instruct them and lend them a hand when/if they stumble. It is a never-ending job from the moment they arrive and it is not an easy one but it is worth all of it, everything they put you through.
“Don't you know me? I won’t ever let you down” I would say I probably know Gabriel better than almost everyone else so yes, I know him and he could never let me down. How do I know because he’s my child and there is nothing he could do that would let me down.
“What they know What they think won't ever bring me down This life is mine and I am my own I'm trying to be somebody I'm not trying to be somebody else This life is mine I lead”
And there it is folks. My oldest son in a nutshell. He knows who he is and knows what he wants HIS life to look like. He doesn’t follow the crowded path most of the world is on, he finds his own path. He doesn’t let others dictate what they think his life should be like based on what they “know” or what they “think”.
“I won’t be nobody else This life is mine and I am my own”
Yes, my dear sweet firstborn you are and always have been your own. I love you and I’m so very proud of the person you are.
Larry’s Perspective:
While Shannon had the benefit of hearing In Your Eyes a million times in life, today was the first time I heard this song. But as we danced and I listened, I agree 100% with Shannon's assessment - this is Gabriel.
However, I think Shannon sells herself a little short in her write-up. Of the two of us, she was way more of an influence on him than I was due to our "arrangement" of me working FT and her working PT so she would always be there for him (and Connor).
Gabriel having compassion and self-confidence didn't just happen - Shannon led by example and he absorbed every bit of it.
Last night he came over to celebrate with us, and I actually hadn't seen or talked to him for a while. We all reminisced about our life experiences together, as well as hearing his perspective on experiences he had on his own or is just now being exposed to - and I couldn't be more proud. Of him and his mom.
P.S. As fate would have it, his birthday is August 9th and my maternal grandmothers is today, August 10th. She was born in 1922 and would have been 102. Whenever we all happened to be together around their birthdays it was always a great time. Gabriel was her very first great-grandchild and I know he held a special place in her heart. I miss her dearly...
Ghost of a Chance 