Larry’s Pick: Love Can Heal (In-Side Mix)

Disclaimer: The link above is to the Bright-Side Mix because Peter Gabriel has not posted the In-Side Mix. The music and lyrics are the same - the audio engineering is not.

I will also add don't miss the pictures and a few nuggets at the very bottom.

Well, this is it. The final song on this year long journey. This is going to be quite the entry, so go to the bathroom, grab your snacks and get comfortable.

I’ll start by sharing that Shannon and I tried to dance to this song EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Remember in my original post where I referred to a backup song – well this was it. Were we 100% successful? No. But we made the best effort we could and through our conversations when we didn’t dance to it, we agreed that although the dance was really important, the planning, actual writing, sorting through picture memories and reminiscing was more important for that days particular song.

Please remember that my wife has Small Fiber Neuropathy and I work two jobs. This project over the last year has truly been a monumental effort for both of us. Sometimes I would write my thoughts for a song early in the morning before work, sometimes after work (which was almost never fun) and in the case of this song – throughout the entire past year.

So even though our daily post typically refers to one song, we always danced to that one or this one or possibly both.

What also curiously evolved throughout this project is Kenji. In the beginning, he would just lay beside the theatre chairs while we danced in front of them. But the repeated playing of this song absolutely created the Pavlov classical conditioning response. It always took a minute to get Apple TV up and the song usually started playing before we could embrace for the dance. As it started playing, he knew we were going to dance and he would sometimes come over and sit right beside us. I don’t think I can really describe this happening and what it meant to Shannon and I. Every Akita we ever owned – Kayko, Sasuke, Akiro, Nina and Kenji – were right there with us in those moments.

So let’s talk about this song specifically – and why out of the thousands and thousands of songs I know from throughout my life, I chose one that had been in my life the shortest amount of time to be THE song that I “gave” to my wife for our 30th anniversary.

For part of this answer we need to go back in time. Remember throughout this year when I’ve stated time and again that Peter Gabriel is a perfectionist? Well, the i/o album was in development for 27 plus years. Yes, you read that correctly – 27 years. A true artist indeed. I equate the artistic “work never being finished” to a statement  that was thrown around quite a bit at my old job in Ohio; “analysis paralysis”. There’s always ‘one more thing’ to look at, tweak, analyze, etc. but at some point you have to pull the trigger. It’s important to note that I had no idea this was happening. I, like the rest of the world, waited until he deemed something worthy enough to set free.

It’s not lost on me that he was working on this album pretty much the entire time Shannon and I were working on our marriage.

As I stated above, in the case of this one song I have been making bullet points and notes for it throughout the entire year. Because I couldn’t get to the last day of the project and expect to get this write-up accomplished. So I’ll share that after making the 27 year note above which was on the day we chose The Impression That I Get (March 13th, 2024), I asked Shannon if this project was too overwhelming for her. Hand to heart, she literally commented that after making all of our mix-tape playlists that we know these projects are never done. ROTFLMAO. I guess there’s a little Peter Gabriel in all of us.

Just like the anticipation of waiting for the next Gunslinger book to come out back in the day killed me, a new Peter Gabriel album is the same type of anticipation. He released So in 1986, Us in 1992, Up in 2002 and then i/o in 2023. (for the sake of this discussion I am not including Scratch My Back or New Blood). So WAY too long – but in the end SO worth it.

Beginning in January 2023, he released a new song from the i/o album with every full moon. Each song was released as either the “Bright-Side Mix” or “Dark-Side Mix” and then the alternative mix as well as the “In-Side Mix” to that song was then released on the next new moon. So every month during 2023 a new song was released until the whole album was out. Being the nerd that I am and being appreciative of the feeling of “anticipation” I thought this approach was fucking amazing and I can’t commend him enough for it. This song was released on August 31st, 2023 for the Blue Moon.

Hearing this song was the catalyst for this whole project. So at that time, I only knew the song for a little over five months before our 30th Anniversary.

I made the decision to wait until I heard the whole album before approaching Shannon with my project idea. As previously discussed as a final contender, So Much had already been released on the Buck Moon on July 3rd, 2023 prior to this song and with both of these songs being so fantastic, I wondered if there would be a better fit as more songs were released.

There were three more songs released and I somewhat contemplated This Is Home, but it was still down to So Much and Love Can Heal. And here we are.

So why the “In-Side Mix”, and not the “Dark-Side Mix” or “Bright-Side Mix”? Well this all has to do with my love of Dolby Atmos. The “In-Side Mix” is specifically made for Atmos. And since my home theatre (where we held all our dance parties) is setup with Atmos, why wouldn’t I? Every single night dancing to this song, the music was like a warm blanket surrounding us. 

Said a different way, there are great audio engineers and then there are audio engineers who work for Peter Gabriel. Pushed to be the greatest of the great. I have to share my two favorite audio parts from the song. The first occurs around the 4 minute 23 second mark, where he sings “Give in to love” and it’s almost like a plea. I’ve tried to point it out to Shannon many times, but it’s pretty faint and there’s a lot sonically going on. Pretty much at that same time, there is a subtle instrument sound that harkens back right to the very beginning of In Your Eyes.

Here is a link to Peter talking specifically about the song: Love Can Heal

Here is a link to i/o winning two Grammys for Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical and Best Immersive Audio Album 

Since I could not find the “In-Side Mix” to link above for you to listen to, I highly, highly recommend downloading it and giving it a listen with Atmos capable headphones. God I love the music age I’ve lived through.

As I stated above, hearing this song was the catalyst for this whole project. But that’s not the whole reason it was chosen.

Unless you’re living through something like I am; we are; it’s probably a little hard to relate to what I’m about to say. Nothing can describe the sense of helplessness I feel every single day now after spending thirty years doing everything I could to provide for my wife and sons. Thirty years of going above and beyond – not only because it was my responsibility, but also because it’s my nature. I would move heaven and earth for them, my needs be damned.

Only to be defeated by something I cannot see – something I cannot feel – something I cannot understand – something I cannot heal. In my own way, this has been debilitating to me. When I’m supposed to be the support mechanism, it’s definitely been hard to put on my Bravest Face. There were periods where I pushed too hard to see Doctors, to try new medicines, to do more internet research, etc. etc. which at the end of the day was for my benefit and only added to Shannon’s frustration and isolation.

Isolation.

When we said goodbye to Nina (Mr. Bojangles / Kite / Elisa's Theme) that was and still is extremely hard on me. In those next moments, I was done. I love me my Akitas, but I couldn’t do it one more time. Plus I’m old! Handling 100lb+ Akitas is no easy task! 

But as the now silent days turned to weeks and months I could sense a darkness growing at home. I was heading off to work everyday leaving Shannon home completely alone – where she had nothing but her constant pain to focus on. So I started looking at various Akita rescues and long story short, Kenji (Kenji; Fat Lip) joined the family. Shannon was too much inside her own head and needed a distraction from her pain. And what the hell, I needed a huge dog to abuse me everyday when I got home. He does not disappoint in that regard.

So in some ways Kenji has been a huge part in healing; in others, a small one. Once the newness of getting him wore out, I had to find “the next big thing”.

This year long project was it. Anchored by this song. This mix.

The lyrics in this song lifted us up and carried us on its shoulders. Because believe me, we both needed it over the past year. There were rare times where we couldn’t carry ourselves, let alone each other, and we would collapse into this song. I think about the notes I made in Landing In London; Shannon is my purpose in life. Full stop. There hasn’t been and won’t ever be anything I wouldn’t do for her. I’ve done everything I could possible do for the myriad of life’s challenges. Except one thing. Her physical health.

The only way I know how to describe the mountain we are climbing is this: At least cancer has a treatment. Please think back to the very first diagnosis of cancer and the years of hopelessness individuals felt when there was nothing for them. It took and still takes decades of research from world class institutions to move the needle forward on treatments.

That isn’t happening for Small Fiber Neuropathy. There isn’t an army around the world working to solve the problem. So hopelessness evolves into acceptance and that is just not an emotion I can come to terms with. I can’t just skip the hopeful emotion. But I’m not the one experiencing the affliction. At various times throughout the year I would tend to focus on certain sections of the song. But every single time I heard it, the quiet section I mentioned above – the “Give in to love” plea at the end made me collapse inside.

We recently watched the movie We Live In Time. Watching it would help illustrate those different points of view. Hers and his. Shannon's and mine. Unhealthy and healthy.

So if I can’t help attack physical health, the least I can do is help attack mental health. Attack may seem like a pretty strong word, but you need an unrelenting strategy for an unrelenting foe.

I needed this song to be pounded into Shannon’s head. I needed her to hear the glimpses of dark in it only to then be immersed in the light and sound. I needed her to know that I understood the battle she was waging and that I was right there with her. I needed her to allow herself the room to feel those moments of despair and just give in – to release that constant pressure. It was then up to her to pull through that. To meet me on the other side. To truly understand this section:

For a moment, raise my head
I can breathe the air
Out in the sunlight, in all the colours
Set against a bed of green
A bed of green

For me in the past, the phrase love can heal was an abstract concept - not applied or practical; theoretical; difficult to understand; abstruse.

But I stand before you today now knowing this is possible. Never in a million years would I have anticipated the impact this project would have on me. On us. It exceeded my wildest expectations.

All because 75 years ago a boy was born that I would never meet that would have such a profound  impact on my life. Many nights as we danced I quietly thanked Peter Gabriel for creating such a masterpiece. For helping heal Shannon. For helping heal me. This song will carry us through to our dying days...

Shannon’s Perspective:

Well, here we are the end of another journey together.  This one was long overdue but as it sometimes is, life gets in the way.  Or as John Lennon liked to say, life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.  When I look back over the past year, I am proud of what we accomplished, there were times when it seemed overwhelming but there were also times where it was the one thing I was looking forward to at the end of the day.

Originally, I was not going to do a write up for this song since I had my song last night but as I thought about it, I had so many things I needed to say for this song.  I mean it was the song Larry chose as the theme for this journey so how could I not talk about that.  This past year has been very good for me personally.  True healing has begun and the learning and unlearning of things might actually stick this time.  I have mentioned before that sometimes we know things in our head and sometimes we know things in our hearts. This past year I have been trying to get both of them on the same page for once.  It has not been easy but it has been worth it. I have discovered some very important things.  The first and most important love can heal. Secondly, my love language is definitely music.  And the third music can and does heal too.

I’m gonna go back a bit to the beginning of my Ketamine treatments, as a reminder I started these at the end of August 2023 but we did not start this project until February of 2024.  I think there are a few things that I want to share.  I have always listened to music when I have my infusions but, in the beginning, I only listened to classical instrumentals, initially I was worried how songs with lyrics might impact the experience.  It didn’t take long for me to switch to songs with lyrics though. My very first treatment, with just instrumental music, I realized just how connected we all are to each other and how beautiful that connection felt and that feeling has never gone away.  When I switched up the music, I was very careful to pick songs that had a positive meaning for me and so I picked songs that we were talking about using for this project.  That first time I was not just feeling a connection to everything I was feeling a very specific connection and I just had one thought that was going on in my mind on a loop….” Larry, it’s always been you”.  I cannot begin to express how comforting that feeling was, but what I can express is that my heart felt full of so much love I thought it might explode in my chest.  From that moment I knew I had the freedom to explore whatever I needed to when I was having my infusions as long as I could remember that I was safe.  My answer to that was to use this song, Love Can Heal, as my anchor song or what we like to call my “kick” song, a reference to how they use music in the movie Inception while the characters are under.

Making this song “the kick” was one of the best decisions I have made for my treatments.  I hear this song at the beginning and every hour I’m under and in recovery, so anywhere from 3 to 5 times a session.  I cannot express how each time I hear the song in the process it is a very unique experience but through all of them it is like Peter Gabriel himself is actually at my bedside whispering these words right in my ear….give in to love…give in to love…give in to love.  There could not have been a more powerful message for me to hear.  So, I did give into love and I did let love heal or at least start healing.  I realize this will be an ongoing process for me but I definitely feel like I am much better equipped for the journey and this project was that first big step for me.  

The following are a breakdown of the lyrics and brief notes about them.

Whatever mess mask you found yourself within
Regardless how you got there

Let’s start with the above lyric, I crossed out mess because for the first several times I listened to the song I thought he was saying mask but when I saw the lyrics for the first time I told Larry I thought for sure he was saying mask. I actually prefer it that way so that’s how I will continue to hear it.  I guess it just made more sense to me because in life it feels like you wear a different mask depending on what role you are in at that moment. Am I in a situation where I can just be myself? Or am I in a situation where I have to play the role of someone’s wife, mother, sister, friend? 

When the edifice has slipped away and died
And left you standing there defenseless

As I started to let go of the edifice, which for me was the beliefs I had about myself not because they were my personal beliefs about myself but more because they were things that had been told to me about myself, anyway as I began to let them go I did feel very exposed and defenseless but when followed up with…

Love can heal
Love can heal
Love can heal
Love can heal

Hearing those three words repeating four times is soothing and prepares you for what’s coming next. 

There's something moving out of you, your body and your skin
Like mist comes from the water
You can sense it when the cold has clenched its claws
And alone you face what's coming

I can literally feel myself trying to release all the bad and all the sad like a mist, letting it leave my body and evaporate in the air but as with a lot of things in life it’s never as easy as it seems.  As I try to release it, it holds on for dear life not wanting to go.  Can you blame it?  It has been a part of me for so long.

For a moment, raise my head
I can breathe the air

I cannot exactly raise my head but the deep inhale and exhale I instinctively take during this verse is so cleansing. I feel such a deep sense of peace and contentment after.

Out in the sunlight, in all the colours
Set against a bed of green
A bed of green

Again, just something that makes me feel so calm and safe and relaxed.

Love can (can) heal
    Love (love) can (can) heal
        Love can (can) heal
            Love can (can) heal 
                Love can (can) heal (give in to love)
                    Love can heal (give in to love)

(Give into love)
(Give into love)

And we end the experience with a beautiful whisper to remind ourselves that love can most definitely heal if we just let ourselves give into it.

Now that we are finally here and the project is almost over, at least as an everyday thing, I will share some of the thoughts I’ve had over the course of the past year specific to our journey.  These are from the notes I made as we worked throughout the year on this.

•	It never failed to amaze me when we had writeups that ended up being so alike it was almost as if we were sharing the same brain.

•	There were multiple times Kenji “joined” us for the nights dance the first time was on March 24, 2024 and that nights song was Wonderwall…..”cuz maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me”….Kenji is a rescue so we quite literally did save him.

•	I loved reliving all the life events over the past year.  It was fun looking back at the things I have saved over the years. I am just so happy I held onto all the things I did.

•	Hearing Larry singing in my ear lyrics and songs that were important to him.

•	Realizing how different we all remember things, that fact has always been amazing to me and makes me think of a Robins Williams movie The Final Cut which also deals with the topic of memories. In this case it was nothing but fun to hear what Larry and the boys had to say about some of the life events.

•	I thought about how much this project is allowing us to continue to share things with each other that maybe wouldn’t have otherwise been shared….not because anyone was hiding anything just because music is a very personal thing and we don’t always have the opportunity to share those thoughts with each other.

Mostly I just tried to enjoy the time we spent together and the new memories we made. But I also spent a lot of time worrying about Larry.  I worry about him not taking care of himself as he should.  I worry about him worrying about me.  Mostly I worry about him being alone.  I am helpless to do anything that might be of any real help but I do want to make sure he knows just how important he and the kids are to me.  I know I have my struggles but I think it is important for all of them to know how hard I work and will continue to work to keep my mental health in check.  I plan on being here for all of them for a very long time.

Which leads me to my next topic.  I can see for myself the great strides I have made with my mental health over the last year.  I saw how the year progressed and we would get to a song that I knew was coming, a song that may have had a pretty strong emotional reaction in the past that now just felt different.  I felt more removed from it, more healed from it.  The biggest example was when we did the write up for Metallica Sanitarium in honor of my first concert ever.  I left out all of the debauchery from that time not because I was ashamed of it.  I’ve never personally been ashamed of my past although I have been made to feel that way by others, but now I was no longer proud of it.  I no longer felt the need to announce it.  I will answer honestly about my past if asked but I am no longer going to use it as a shield to push people away by shocking them.  Love really can heal.

And just like last nights write up I’m gonna end this one with something I read recently that I think applies because through it all we always fight to make things work…

This next chapter is called WE deserve this. Life hasn’t always been easy for either of us, but we ended up together for a reason.  We are learning to love correctly and appreciate things we never got to in the past.  So, when you see us happy, let us be happy.  We deserve this.

A final note from both of us. The point of this past year was to share our love of music and record stories for our sons and any future grandchildren so that they had a sense of who we are. We know several other friends and family joined us on this journey, and for that, we thank you...

Love Can Heal (In-Side Mix)
Peter Gabriel

Whatever mess you found yourself within
Regardless how you got there
When the edifice has slipped away and died
Left you standing there defenseless

Love can heal
    Love can heal
        Love can heal
            Love can heal

There's something moving out of you, your body and your skin
Like mist comes from the water
You can sense it when the cold has clenched its claws
And alone you face what's coming

For a moment, raise my head
I can breathe the air
Out in the sunlight, in all the colours
Set against a bed of green
A bed of green

Love can (can) heal
    Love (love) can (can) heal
        Love can (can) heal
            Love can (can) heal 
                Love can (can) heal (give in to love)
                    Love can heal (give in to love)

(Give into love)
(Give into love)

REMINDER: TO QUOTE MYSELF FROM EARLIER, WE HAD ZERO DOLLARS FOR THIS WEDDING IN 1994 - THAT MEANS NO FANCY INVITES, NO PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS, NO DJ, NO FANCY VENUE, NO PROFESSIONAL CATERING. IT'S JUST PEOPLE GATHERING AND CELEBRATING...

SAID ANOTHER WAY - THE BEST "SHOTGUN" WEDDING YOU'VE EVER SEEN...

The above and below pictures are of me and one of my oldest and dearest friends Tracy. At this point, we've known each other for over 50 years and still talk weekly. You might remember her from such stories as How Larry Met Shannon (Episode I: Larry Stalks Shannon). She was my Maid of Honor and we just happened to get married on her birthday. So on that day, and every February 19th, Happy Birthday Tracy!

IF YOU ONLY READ ONE THING ON THIS PAGE, READ THE BELOW  PROGRAM CLOSELY.
When we first started dating, I was actually working two, sometimes three jobs to get my OSU Student Loans paid off. One of those additional jobs was at a Kinko's. This was great, because that's actually where we bought a lot of wedding supplies along with the programs with my employee discount.

Of course I had to take this opportunity to create this program so when the actual ones arrived, this one was the first one Shannon read and I acted like the entire box was misprinted...

Probably not a great way to start a marriage...

I'm not really sure who fucking filled out this smartass prayer request card...I suspect my best friend Aaron Martin...as does Shannon...

But I love it! Know that prayers DO come true as I no longer use a lot of gel in my hair. Not by choice. Stupid old age.

30th Anniversary

Our Story - Shannon's Perspective

Our Story - Larry's Perspective

Ghost of a Chance (Rush) and why?