Thirty years ago, today (August 9, 1994) Larry and I got to meet our first born for the first time. After 22 hours of labor and an emergency c-section Gabriel Ian Edward Barnes made his entrance into this world and my world has never been the same. Nothing prepares you for that first moment, the overwhelming love and joy that you feel the first time you hold that child in your arms. I had always known I wanted to have kids, being the oldest of 5 kids growing up (6 total my sister came after I left home) and also being a girl, I spent a lot of time helping to take care of my younger brothers, so kids were always a part of my future. Still, I was not prepared for the mama bear instinct that would kick in and from that very first moment knew I would give whatever it took to protect and care for this little being, and even though he is no longer little I will still do whatever it takes to care for and protect him.
In Larry’s Genevieve post he talks about the small matter of agreeing on a name. Well for Gabriel that meant some compromising. Having lost my father before I was born, I always told myself when I grew up and had my own children my first-born son would have my father’s middle name as his middle name. That meant my son’s middle name would be Edward, right? Well Larry, although he could appreciate the sentiment, did not want Edward as a middle name because he liked the name Ian for a middle name. We went back and forth on this for quite a while. No disagreement on the first name, Gabriel had been decided before I even got pregnant and we never discussed the middle name thing until I was pregnant. Finally at our wits end and just wanting to make a decision we decided we didn’t have to have just one middle name. This after all was our child and we could name him/her anything we wanted and that is how we ended up with Gabriel Ian Edward Barnes. I liked the way that flowed way more than Gabriel Edward Ian Barnes.
P.S. After hearing Larry’s write up, I had a conversation with him. I knew and how could I not know just how important this song was for Larry and the birth of Gabriel so I intentionally condensed my write up for tonight knowing tomorrow I would have my chance.
Well since we know Plan A from Genevieve didn't happen that left Plan B. I'd like to say it was executed perfectly but as I know Shannon will be writing up her delivery experience, it was far from perfect - but the end result was.
I think it's a huge responsibility to name your child because if you're a great or even good parent, it's probably the last selfish thing you will do when it comes to them. Because once they are here, you will move heaven and Earth for them. You will always put them first no matter what.
It should come as no surprise that music had to be involved somehow because that's who I am. So I knew that would never go away, and as my children grew, music would be a constant in their lives.
If you're shocked I didn't name my son Rush - more on that later. But I will say that I couldn't name him Alex or Geddy or Neil - because Rush is a sum of all its parts - they wouldn't be Rush if one of those guys wasn't in the band. They are all equally important in my book just like you don't have a favorite child.
So that left options wide open. I thought long and hard about how I wanted to approach my choices to present to Shannon and decided I needed to focus on songs first. So off I went listening...
In Your Eyes seemed to sum up everything I was feeling at 23 years old and knew I would be feeling becoming a father for the first time. Your interpretation may vary especially given the pop culture of Say Anything (which I do love!), but maybe my thoughts will inspire you to think a little differently about the song. So here goes:
"Love - I get so lost sometimes" - I mean, it's your child - how can you not get lost in the love you feel for them?
"The grand facade, so soon will burn - Without a noise, without my pride - I reach out from the inside" - There's no hiding who you are from your child; you can't pretend to be something you're not.
"In your eyes - The light, the heat (in your eyes) - I am complete (in your eyes)" - I'm taking some liberties here with this one; my thoughts are there is a very limited time where you as the parent are your childs COMPLETE world. Then the actual world sinks its claws into them and whisks them away. I'm sure the true meaning is the old "You Complete Me" sentiment which I wholeheartedly agree with as well.
"Oh, I see the light and the heat (in your eyes) - Oh, I wanna be that complete - I wanna touch the light, the heat I see in your eyes" - When you think about this song from a parental point of view, how can you not hear these lines and think about all the new and wonderful things a child growing up experiences. The "light" being sparks of imagination and the "heat" being the passions they grow into. And how as adults without children we become numb to the world, but when we become parents we want nothing more than to feel and touch the "light" and "heat" as seen through our children's eyes?
I'm going to pause to insert, you guessed it, some Rush lyrics. Because these say the exact same thing as what I just described. The best picture I can paint is imagining watching your child watching fireworks for the first time.
"This moment may be brief - But it can be so bright - Reflected in another source of light - When the moment dies - The spark still flies - Reflected in another pair of eyes" (The song is called Chain Lightning if you're interested.)
Back to In Your Eyes. These are the lyrics that sealed the deal for me - I knew that this song would only mean one thing to me for the rest of my life. I dedicated it to my newborn son, Gabriel, and today, 30 years later, it still carries the same emotional weight it did the day he was born. So now that I had the song, I had the artist. I knew I wanted to name him Gabriel, and Shannon agreed.
"Love, I don't like to see so much pain" - The pain I cause him. The pain he causes me. The pain others cause him. It's all hard to watch let alone experience.
"So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away" - How much time is wasted when you're angry with each other? But in all fairness - family - what can you do?
"I get so tired working so hard for our survival" - Did you not just read that at the ripe old age of 23 I just had a son? That I now had to think about someone other than myself, and I guess, Shannon? I knew I was going to have to work my ass off to take care of my family.
"I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive" - I can't write anything better than that line...
So that's it. I call In Your Eyes an Absolutely Perfect Song and I would go so far as to say it's my number one.
Happy Birthday, Gabriel - today and every birthday. I love you...
P.S. What's a birth story without sharing a wife angry at her husband during birth story. So during all the hell Shannon was going through, the decision was made to give her an epidural. We go into the room where they will administer it and they ask me to sit down. I tell them I'm all good, I'll just stand. They politely advise I should really sit down, and again, I politely decline. I think we got to round three when the angriest voice I've ever heard in my life advises me I better sit the fuck down right now. I got to test out the comfort of a fantastic hospital chair and Shannon got her epidural. Afterward, the staff told me they've had too many macho men faint right out as soon as they see this process take place. I knew I could have handled it, and this theory was proven while I watched the whole caesarian delivery of my son. I was absolutely fascinated and have a great story about it to tell someday.
Ghost of a Chance 