“It took all my strength and I just couldn't look back”
For me this song is all about survivor’s guilt and for me that guilt, the guilt that I felt after Shane died, was strongly tied to the guilt I felt when I left home at 18 and had to leave behind my siblings. But I had to do what I could so I could get myself out of a toxic situation at home. If I could have, I would have taken them all. So, when I hear this song, it’s like I am having a conversation with my mother about my brothers. Humor me and read the following lyrics with that thought in mind……a child confronting their parent many years later about their childhood and the childhood of their siblings.
Well I've guessed your name and I'm sure you know mine
I'd like to discuss our mutual friend
I can't help but feel that I left him behind
Does he still stay with you or did his pain ever end
I guess
I don't deserve to know
If he ever let go
I guess
I don't really need to see
If he wound up with you or did he ever break free
When we were both young, you took us in
And taught us to play survival games
He'd lost so much that you let him win
But I had a home so it just wasn't the same
I had the strength
To look you in the eye
And say goodbye
I was lucky
And I didn't have to play
Does he still stay with you or did he get away
I used what I had and I escaped
I smelled something good and I followed its track
But all he could smell was the world that you shaped
It took all my strength and I just couldn't look back
I remember him
Calling after me
I keep that memory
The last thing he screamed out aloud
Was "Hey don't you leave me alone!"
Yeah he might live with you but he called me his home
I guessed your name and some day so will he
Cause one of these ides he's gonna break free
Cause one of these ides he's gonna break free
Cause one of these ides he's gonna break...
Larry’s Perspective:
One of the hardest things in life is seeing someone you love hurting. I absolutely cannot listen to this song without breaking down thinking about Shannon. Because try as I might, nothing I will ever do will help erase any of her pain. It just dulls it a little. But that doesn't mean I'll stop trying to find some way to stop it.
Take this project for example. It's July 22nd and we've been committed to it since February 19th. I'm honestly just as proud at that small timeframe as I am to our 30 years together. Both of these have been one hell of a commitment.
Yes - we have given each other countless playlists over the years, and yes, this is our first collaboration at making "our playlist" - the soundtrack to our life together. But it's also a distraction. A distraction from her pain. And it's a reminder. A reminder of the joys and sorrows of life - and a reason to keep going.
I know Shannon kicks her own ass emotionally when she listens to this song, and I can completely understand why.
Why can I understand it? Because every person in their life makes choices that are hard and have impacts on others - and some of those may feel selfish, and some may be, but that's what you have to do.
An example for me was when we were thinking about leaving Lancaster, Ohio and moving to Pickerington, Ohio. This would be a positive for Shannon and I, but it meant moving our sons to another school - leaving friends and familiarity behind. This honestly weighed on me quite a lot.
Putting the house on the market was sticking a knife into our family - and when it didn't sell and we de-listed it, that was like twisting said knife. Ultimately after the holidays we listed it again and it sold - so now the reality was setting in for all of us - we were really doing this move.
I think it ended up for the best for all of us - our jobs, new friends, new school opportunities - but it was a hard time in my life; our lives.
And I'm just going to say it - I hate Shannon's mom. I hate the fact that one human, a mother no less, can inflict such an emotional toll on all of her children.
I say all of this to just say I wish Shannon wasn't so hard on herself...because it's not her fault...
30th Anniversary
Our Story - Shannon's Perspective
Our Story - Larry's Perspective
Ghost of a Chance (Rush) and why?
Ghost of a Chance 